Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Damian, Montreal

I only got one Montreal boy. Montreal is cool and everything but there are large parts of the city that are totally non-babe.

I think I finally got over this weird anxiety Toronto people have that they should be living in Montreal for a more pure existence or something. Fuck that! More Mcgill students wearing juicy couture existence and conspicuous stripclubs is more like it. Sure everyone likes a good neon naked lady sign once in a while but fuck. It gets gross after like one second of laughing.

Anyways this boy was pretty cute. I'm not a fan of those big earphones but he had a French accent so he gets a cultural handicap of at least two shitty accessories.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Troy, Toronto

Troy likes books, talks about his fears, and has just published a story in a journal of erotic literature based on Kantian philosophy...In Universityland that's like being a millionaire who wears vintage Cazals and is addicted to monogamy.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Before and After: Taylor, Toronto

Sorry Homie, your deleting of all your facebook pictures didn't stop me from tracking down a picture of your long golden locks era.
Can you believe this is the same person? And which Taylor is more babe? Scandinavian pop star Taylor or folk singer Taylor?

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Update: El Guincho

A few months ago I posted about a lovable human cartoon character named El Guincho. The update is that he just released this video and it makes my heart hurt. Seriously I think I just caught heart cancer. It makes me want to listed to Corey Hart, eat some artichoke hearts and drink some Hart beer at the University of Toronto's Hart house then drive my heartley davidson downtown and inject some heartoin into my heart.

I've only felt this way twice before. The first when I was 8 and I would kiss my Yaromir Yagr (pictured above) poster before bed and then have "sexy" dreams about him gnashing at my face and then us jumping on the bed. The second was when my ironic crush on Brian from the backstreet boys turned on me and I had to keep my heartbreak a secret shame.

Video in case you forgot to click before!!!! NSFW if your boss hates all that is good and magical in the world.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Rob, Toronto

Rob from the Rivoli!!! What a handsome lil' koala bear! Oh wait should I not say where he works so he doesn't get internet stalkers? Well, stalkers, as long as you tip him with lots of fresh eucalyptus leaves before you hide in the bushes and take pictures I think it's legal.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Contest!!! You Could Win Big!!!

I am pleased to announce the first ever CBMMN contest! The person who sends in the cutest boy with matching funny blurb will win this AMAZING Men in Black prizepack, approx. value $1.50.

It includes:

-One vinyl Men in Black wallet
-Two plasticine busts sculpted by me in the early nineties
-One hilarious keychain, caption "I don't like it" (he doesn't like it!!!)
-One hand cut-out
-Three university of Toronto bumper stickers
-One Rosi (Repository of Student Information) mascot (hand missing)

Please send entries to cuteboysmakemenervous@gmail.com

*Deadline: October 1!!!!!!!!

Disclaimers: Contest winner will be announced only if anyone sends anything in. Entries will be equally rated on funniness of joke and cuteness of boy. Non-winners may also be used in future posts. CBMMN reserves the right to give boys different names and make things up about them. Boys with moostaches, skinnies, Colombians and ginos may have an unfair advantage.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Joseph and Robot, Toronto

Attention all Toronto ladies!!! My babe cousin Joseph has just moved to Toronto from Montreal! That's right, fluently bilingual!!! And he just learned about Kensington market and loves it so be on the lookout!

What? I'm allowed to say my cousin is a babe.

p.s. this is a preview of the babeliness that is my family. Stay tuned for family reunion pictures in two weeks!!! Oop I should have said the male side of the family. All the girls have giant oozing goiters...especially me!!! weeehoo!!!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Marcel, Toronto Island via Germany

What is it about German boys that makes them sooooo cute? I asked my friend this and her response was "I'm scared of Germans".

Man, that is so absurd for so many reasons. That's like thinking that because my ancestors were sent over as filles du roi in the 1600's--to work as whores paid in land to spread French manseed all over my glorious nation--that I, so many years later, am still genetically bound to be a big slut...which is clearly ridicu...

Oh dear god! The Germans are going to get us! (Possibly on multicoloured bicycles that can fly to the moon).

Friday, September 19, 2008

Persian Princes, Toronto

These two brothers are Iranian actors and were quite the sight dancing together in their coordinated outfits and rooster cuts. When the boy in the blue jacket (Shaab?) told me I wouldn't remember their names I tried to act cultured like "what? I'm from Toronto (lie) I know other country names!"...
But I guess it's true, I can only retain American standards. You know, names like Bristol, Willow, Trig, Crayon...

Thursday, September 18, 2008

When shoddy fact-checking turns to...Magic!

Last week I reported that Cheese Magic had been shut down. Immediately my inbox was flooded with messages from local and international luminaries expressing their sadness:

"wait, wait,wait... did your blog just tell me that the cheese hunks are out of work??? this is ruining my memories of home! WHAT IS TORONTO WITHOUT CHEESE HUNKS????"

-Nniamh Mcmanus, designer,
deadly nightshade, Vancouver

"I've always been told of the Cheese hunks, but I've never actually seen them...and that was actually 3 years ago.....who knows how many cycles of cute there have been. And now I've missed my chance forever :( "

-David Oxley, artist, Gladstone Hotel front desk person, Toronto

"Oh dear God no!! I used to live in an apartment underneath a Cheese Hunk. He didn't say much, but sometimes he would play Cake really loudly late at night. Now I'll never be able to listen to mediocre reggae-tinged late-90s covers of "I will Survive" without feeling sad or thinking of listeriosis."

-Thomas Rogers, deputy editor Open Salon, Brooklyn

Well good news everybody!!! It was only closed down temporarily to clean out the droppings and listeriosis! Now the cheese contains well below the government maximums for both deadly bacteria and poo particles. Hooray!!!!!!

*And let's not forget the sweet little drop of honey pictured above. This is Louis-Philippe pulling off goldilocks and a plumed fedora like only a French-Canadian can. His cheese recommendation is the New Brunswick Geai Bleu raw cow's milk blue cheese. If you order it from him it's code for "let's make bilingual babies".

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Adrian, Toronto

Ummm...ok who taught my mom how to use the internet? Apparently she has discovered my blog through her daily googling of my name and now I'm not allowed to go to the prom. But don't worry, her threats will not affect the racy yet witty content. Now on to Adrian:

Oh what a fine looking young gentleman. Don't approve of his drinking though, nooosir. And that delicate phantom arm is a little bit too much female\male contact for my taste. How will anyone stick to their abstinence vows when they keep playing shoulder-touchy??? Sheesh!

Well I'm off to the library to read about...science...no no no wait...adam and eve.

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Amazing(ly Christian) Butabi Brothers!!!!!

I try to keep this blog as diverse as possible...not to be PC but because I love all the boys of the world equally (best. person. ever. (me)). Though it's a bit hard sometimes in Paris because they like to keep all the non-whites outside of the city.

But there is one race which I have never posted: Christians! And holy shit, besides the homophobia and republicanism and xenophobia...are they ever babes!!!! Don't they just look like they only eat corn. Ever.

These two are brothers who wear matching vests and poofy pants and juggle and say Christian things like "boy that went over like a fart in church!" (why? is that a good thing? do people fart in church? what are these crazy cultural references?) or "I had to break up with my girlfriend over religious differences, see I'm a Christian and she's the devil" . HOOTHOOTHOOT...The devil! Good one! Who would want to go out with him!!!

It made me feel like a man in the early Britney Spears days. Like how you want to touch all the paintings at the gallery because of the "can't touch this" sign. But in this case the sign is an abstinence contract.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Inflatable James Franco, Indianapolis

You can't really tell but he's making me breakfast. He melted his hand into the porridge but I ate it anyways ( I didn't want to hurt his feelings...an oh yes...he feels)

Friday, September 12, 2008

Cardboard Village, Indianapolis

I don't want to hate too much on Indianapolis because I like to consider myself a cultural relativist. So I'll just say that I commend anyone in this city who participates in the limited cultural events offered, like this lil' guy reading the Fringe festival guide.

But seriously, has anyone ever been to Indianapolis? There are like 3 places to go in the entire city. Starbucks feels alternative there. Oops, typo...I meant to say...every society functions in it's own particular way due to historical, geographical and socio-economic factors and is of equal value to all other societies.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Andy, Chicago

I really don't understand how there can be so many boys styled exactly like Andy yet every single one of them seems like a beautiful precious diamond to me.
Is this how blonde life sciences students feel when they meet their jock husbands?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Jason 2, Chicago

If boys are unsure of how to style themselves they should always just do what the gays are doing. Thus, this apple-shaped figure immediately should = beard + bad attitude + tattoos + tight shirt. And there you have it! Your very own straight bear!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Jason, Chicago

This is about the most serious pose I could get out of this gentleman (I believe he is trying to blend in with the monkeys playing cimbals in the background) but if you want to see him in all his cuteness check out the trailer for this movie premiering as we speak at TIFF.

He plays "the ugly guy" which wouldn't be such a diss if they hadn't chosen a totally cheesy looking dude to play "the hot guy". I'm just saying, unbiasedly, that's some bullshit! Like who likes that guy? Your mom? Maybe?

Who likes Jason? Everyone I bet!

Monday, September 8, 2008

Eddy, Chicago

Three-second quiz to determine if an Asian boy is a cuteboy: Would he make a beautiful woman?

Saturday, September 6, 2008

When Magic turns to...Tragedy!!!!!!!!

On September 1st, in an EXCLUSIVE interview, CBMMN revealed the secret (well known) hotness of the Cheese Hunks. A few days later, after discovery of their hotness, Cheese Magic was shut down!!!!

Pun! It was the too hotness of their cheese storage that closed them down!!!!!! Also one of the lady customers contracted listeriosis. Cheese hunks how could you betray your loyal fan like that?

Joke! It was I who planted those cat and mouse droppings! Now your only option is to work for me, and you will be my hunks, and I will pay you a shiny nickel every day! Also...all the cabbage and discarded cheeses recouped from the back alley you can eat!!!!!

Friday, September 5, 2008

Brent, Indianapolis

On the theme of performers, this is Brent McCoy a.k.a. Clown at Work. He's a clown. I don't about clowning, I don't like how it's usually not funny but everyone pretends it is. But he can juggle fire and balance on a plank of wood balancing on a ball plus look at how sincere he looks!

And why is the picture so crappily framed? It's because I was drunk. I thought IPA stood for Indiana Pale Ale so I kept drinking it to have a unique Indianapolis cultural experience but it turned out to be India Pale Ale which I can buy at home.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Jared Sherlock, Indianapolis

Weeeoooweeoo!!!! All American alert!!!!!!!!!!! The house, car and Jared all come in the same set which also includes an American flag and pole and a battery-powered terror alarm that flashes all the warning colours (even orange!).

Jokes. Even though he looks like a homeland security officer he is actually a magician whose act involves juggling giant arms which lead to puns like "give yourselves a hand" (then he claps the big hands) HARHAR...wait that's not even a pun.

P.S. Weeoooweeeooo Canadian alert: Some other Canadians and I were sitting next to Jared while he assembled his giant hands. I thought they were guns and got scared because his magician coat looked like a trenchcoat and I thought he was going to kill us all. I told my friend so she would know to hide under the picnic table when he started shooting. But instead she got really pissed off like "oh, oh, just cause we're in the States we can go waving our guns around. Ridiculous. This place is ridiculous" and she almost went over and yelled at him but ultimately was too scared.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Peter, Indianapolis

It doesn't matter if you're in a city that consists of 500 000 Mcmansions, 500 fast food restaurants and only one block of "culture"...the boy who works at the music store will always be adorable.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Exclusive Interview! The Cheese Hunks!




Anyone living in Toronto who has the slightest interest in cuteboys will have heard of Cheese Magic in Kensington market. The "magic" is that it only employs young attractive men known as the "cheese hunks". I had to stop going in 2007 because it made me feel too bad about myself. But mystery surrounds these hunks...do they know they're hunks? What does it take to be a cheese hunk? Do they have sexy naked fondue parties every night with many beautiful women? All these answers and more in INTERVIEW OF LIFETIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CBMMN: What percentage of customers would you say are women?
Chris: about 70%

CBMNN: And of the remaining 30% what percentage are gay men?
Jay: Probably about 50%

CBMNN: Were you aware of the reputation of Cheese Magic before applying here?
Hunks (lying): no not at all!
Jay: It's only a coincidence!!

CBMNN: Then why would a bunch of babes want to work in a cheese store?
Hunks: ...

CBMNN: What was the application process?
Jay: It was easy I just had like a two minute interview and I was hired.

CBMNN: Interesting...Is your boss a woman?
Jay: yes

CBMNN: Do you get hit on all the time by customers?
Jay: What do you mean by hit on?

CBMNN: you know like "hellooooo, woohoo" and hanky waving
Jay: I don't know how to answer that question without sounding like an asshole. I guess a lot of women flirt with us. But mostly we get written about on missed connections on Craig's list. Sometimes it's a little scary but usually pretty hilarious.

CBMNN: Any advantages to being a cheese hunk? Modeling contracts? Gifts?
Jay: No, I still don't understand what this whole Cheese Hunk thing is about...
Chris: I got asked out for dinner last week

CBMNN: Did you go?
Chris: Well I have her business card I'm supposed to call

CBMNN: Business card...so she's an adult? Are you going to call?
Chris: Well she said she'd make me dinner at her house, so yeah I'm probably going to call...

CBMNN: What is your favourite cheese?
Jay: Grand Creme, it's really rich and creamy and delicious
Chris: I guess I have to say one of the English ones because I'm English [Cheese Magic also always hires boys with cute accents]
Jason: Whisky Cheddar [it was something like this... I forget...you must ask in person!]

Since the cheese hunks were not as forthcoming as had been hoped...conspirationaly silent if you will...CBMMN also interviewed the workers at My Market Bakery, Cheese Magic's sister store.

CBMNN: The cheese hunks are trying to pretend they don't know they're babes. What are they really like? Do they walk around being all "oh I'm so hot I'm such a celebrity" all the time
Jess: no not at all, they're not what people think they are, they're really cool and think the whole thing is funny
Jocelyn: Jay's my boyfriend and he's not like that at all.

CBMNN: Do they get hit on all the time?
Jess: Well yeah, mostly by older ladies though which is weird. I don't really get what that's all about.

CBMNN: Everyone denies that there is a policy on only hiring cuteboys, what is this conspiracy of silence?
Jess: Well there is no official policy. But when I applied to work there they said they didn't need anyone. Then they hired another boy soon thereafter. It's kind of just something no one talks about.

*There are two other hunks
**Cheese Magic 182 Baldwin st. @ Kensington ave