Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Manny, Puerto Rico

Submitted by Linda: "This is my boyfriend Manny. He's puerto rican and really nice to look at. ps: I still get nervous every time I see him."

I heart Puerto Ricans 4 ev-r!!!!!!!!!! They who brought us Daddy Yankee, Wisin y Yandel, Calle 13 and so many more top reggaeton acts! I would kill to be at one of their gang-gun-cocaine-high heels-jacuzzi-80s status symbol parties that they have after their concerts I bet.

And by kill "to" I mean kill "myself" because I would be so disoriented and suddenly self aware of my whiteness that I would overcompensate by attempting sexy dancing that my poor pasty legs were not strong enough for. Then later be the only one eating the free shrimp and eat too much of it after having made myself a pariah with comments like "Do you sell drugs! Neat!" or "'me gusta la gasolina' (while making air quotes)...lols... right guys?"

Then I would swim and get cramps in both my legs and stomach and drown.

:( Feeling pretty sad about that imaginary situation. Gonna go dance in front of the mirror\have imaginary witty multicultural conversations with myself to train for the future.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Fahad, Paris

This l'il adorable was sitting up on a fence looking sooo scared and cute in the heart. I don't know what it is about feeling nervous and socially awkward that makes people want to sit in high places

Either this is done to hide in plain sight or else to return to some pre-conscious feeling of security that came from sitting in a high chair. But achieves neither of these things because

a) you only stand out more and
b)high surfaces without a colourful plastic drink tray to hold you in are dangerous!!!!

I squated on a mailbox the other day and pretended to be a rabbit because I was feeling shy and it was a disaster! People kept trying to kidnap me and make me their pet. And then a happy family started feeding me cat food and I had to eat it or else they would have seen through my ruse! It* was disgusting.

*The happinness of the family

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Gheys!!!!!!!!! Paris

Paris has lived up to its Ghey Paree reputation by once again keeping it ghey this year. If CBMMN were a religion yet, Pride would be its Xmas. Endless crowds of cute boys in their finest regalia (e.g. t-shirts with zany slogans) whose enthusiasm for having their picture taken is second only to third world children. (Zing on the third world!)

From top:
-colour coordinated gheys
-tanned ghey
-bus stop ghey
-happy multi-cultural teen gheys
-sensual dancing lion-man (e.g. an inspiration to us all)

Friday, June 26, 2009

Harlequin Romance\Porn but Real, Upstate NY

Submitted by Jody: "So I'm getting ready to eat some lunch, when those two yummy goodnesses show up to pave my neighbors driveway. They can pave my driveway ANY day!Unfortunatly I didn't talk to them since that would be VERY awkward, so all I have are some stalk shots of them"

But instead of having her lunch Jody decided it was high time she re-organized her sensual funk music collection by key instead of alphabetical which required her turn the music up really loud. Meanwhile the paving men realized they hadn't brought their paving tools and thought it might be a good idea to ring on Jody's door to borrow her paving tools...but boy was it hot in there. So obvies everyone immediately took off all their clothes to 'cool off' as the man holding the chainsaw in such a way as to show off his muscles casually put it...Then

[edited out for majority tween readership]

Afterwards they all had lemonade and hot dogs. Which they pronounced "hat dags".

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Hans?, Germany

Submitted by Val "This is my boyfriend. He is German. I am 20 and like young-looking boys. He is 22."

I don't want to be ignant about Germans and just assume they are a bunch of guys called Hans who like techno music and currywurst. But...I don't know...doesn't he look like a Hans to you?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Hijinxs, Nanaimo, B.C.

Submitted by Sarah: After getting extremely drunk I found myself downtown at a bar sans wallet. We tried to convince the bouncer to let me in but I look too young. In my drunken stupour I climbed the fence and landed in thepatio of the bar. As I stumbled over the fence, the voices of two angels told me I was their hero for my climbing ways. I asked for their picture trying to drunkenly explain my quest to send it into my FAV. blog. All that managed to come out was that they made me nervous... I later got kicked out of the bar and never even got their names.. Sigh.

I am on a constant quest to expand my google search ranking power. So far I dominate "cute boys" "cute boys canada" "cute boys europe" and "cute boys UK" narrowly beating out the "cute boys australian nude male art" website for the top spot (smell that? it's called sucess).

So I am going to write the word Nanaimo a bunch of times at the end of this post because having the same word written over and over used to be how you won at internet searches before Google and maybe it still secretly works.

Then if these anonymous boys are feeling bored one day they might try to google search "cute boys nanaimo" and find themselves. Then all three of you will FALL IN LOVE and have an unconventional three-person relationship and make Nanaimo bars and say grace before eating them where you praise the lord for the internet and the glorious motherland.

You could also go to the same bar again with a disguise and they will probably be there because people like going where everyone knows their name. This is a known fact, a fact that has even been turned into a hit song.

Nanaimo Nanaimo Nanaimo Nanaimo Nanaimo Nanaimo Nanaimo Nanaimo Nanaimo Nanaimo
*Update: "cute boys nanaimo" google dominance now official

Monday, June 22, 2009

Karan, New Delhi

Submitted by S: "I saw this epitome-of-cuteness boy at a friend's after show gathering. Mixed with excitement of Fashion Week and his presence, my friend knew what had to be done. He made this cute boy (Karan Malik) hold up a sign of affection towards [your top blog]"

Srsly...who gets to date the male models? I know that the female models date the photographers and shipping magnates and whatnot, but I'm having trouble figuring out who that leaves for the male models? Is it sexy teens? Millionaire divorcees? Is it even good to date male models?

I think maybe male models just sleep with people all the time. Then everyone can brag about it and no one gets hurt. The boy can walk about pretending he's a real George Clooney, giving high fives to people, sometimes people he doesn't even know! And the girl can be like "I slept with a male model, easy for me, whooo" at her homemade martini night jamboree and then have lots of alcohol left over to accompany her quiet desperate sobbing after everyone leaves. Leaves her all alone.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Nimir, Kuwait

Submitted by Alanoud: "This is the guy I stalk I know where he lives. He has red porsche. He is a ladies man, womanizer! He doesnt know i exist, (Well, maybe!)He's basically a celebrity. He's everywhere all the time!!!!!!"

I think this is the Kuwaiti version of a gangsta. See how his head thing* is up on the sides? That's like a popped collar.


Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Godfrey, Taiwan

Submitted by Steph who looked really cyut in the picture but rules are rules: "So this is Godfrey Tsao. He's an up-and-coming soap opera actor in Taiwan. One night my friends and I went out to KTV (karaoke), and my friend brought Godfrey into our karaoke room, kind of as a little present to me. I was in the middle of singing when he walked in, and my mouth fell open and my jaw refused to go back up. Then I started screaming/squealing like a little girl in front of Britney Spears circa 2001. So this picture is 100 times more awkward than it looks."

Man...so babe for realz. Especially for an Asian man. No offense Asian men!

This picture brought back a childhood memory. When I was in grade five one of my classmates got cancer and so she got to make a wish from the "make a wish foundation". She was smart and made a double wish (which is what you should always do when you have cancer\a genie) she asked to meet Andrew Keegan at Disneyland. After she brought a home video back of her and her entire extended lebanese family eating lunch with him and giggling. We all thought that this meant she was going out with him because we didn't understand anything about anything yet. Everyone was really jealous and wished they had cancer too.

I wonder what Andrew Keegan is up to? Maybe we can be Myspace friends? I wonder what he looks like\if he would go out with me now. That happens sometimes. Like when I was young I had a huge desperate crush on this Canadian rock star and I would sometimes cry at night about how he would never love me. And now he's 40 and a bartender at a really lame club in Toronto and I'm in my prime and could probably sleep with him now...sleep with him good!

*Update: I tried to friend andrew keegan on myspace but no dice. He doesn't leave that option. I did however find a group on facebook called "I Sang Boyz II Men To a Poster of Andrew Keegan" but they won't let me join. Which is just as well because if I joined it would be fraudulent. I was more of a JTT gal myself.

Monday, June 15, 2009

I'm Old, Paris

Submitted by Chiara who wrote a really long funny email about being an awkward American teen in Paris trying to hit on this young man and barfing while trying to play it cool and smoke cigarettes and drink vodka (a classic!) but I want to talk about myself right now.

Srsly...I know age is relative and everything and so I can't ask you how old old is and get a definitive answer. But maybe having this teen blog is not healthy. This person actually looks like a baby to me. Like he looks so young that I wouldn't even be scared of him making fun of me in the subway, and that says a lot because I am scared of teens. They're always ready to say the meanest thing! And it's always so true. If they were going to mean at me they would say:

"you are no spring chicken"
"your work skirt suit is neither hip nor professional, you look like a secretary at best"
"you are fat by teen standards" then they would all laugh and give high fives
"we are all going to go have fun, drink wine coolers our parents forgot in the basement and lose our virginities with eachother...sorry...you can't come along...you lost that privilege twenty times ago!"

Then they would all walk away feeling sad inside and singing the lyrics to the latest rap music sensation together and I would be none the wiser. None!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Steven the T.A

Submitted by Sau-Wai: "Introducing Steven who was my 2nd year organic chemistry TA!! So cute I had to ask him out (a big no-no) but we are still together 2.5 years later!! Sadly, he still makes me nervous!!"

Ya he's making me nervous too with them crazy eyes. I find this Steven is the most attractive when I imagine him as being part of some zany London band that uses lots of keyboards and drugs. Otherwise he is a little bit too "organic chemistry" if you know what I am saying. But I am well aware of how TA-ness automatically doubles hotness points.

In fact I had a similiar experience. It was in 2004 I remember it well because we were having a party for the American elections and to celebrate the imminent dethroning of the mentally disabled community's most successful member. The party was called "Bush: get off the map stay in my lap" and the invitations featured beautiful drawing of a woman's open legs (copied from an issue of 70s Playboy) but instead of a vagina there was Bush's face (copied from the economist with Napoleon Dynamite-like precision) and instead of regular hair he had pubic-hair hair. Hilarious. I think I still have a copy in a box somewhere. Or else my grandma has it in a frame.

Anyways, during our Anthropology of Pop Culture seminar we had a very "hip" balding guest-speaker who had "gone undercover" with "ravers" and written his PhD about their secret society. It was all very "uncool" but there was something about someone talking into a microphone in front of a group of five hundred people that made him seem so...bold...and...powerful.

So at the break we presented both him and our mid-50s eastern european (dream boat) professor with the pornographic invitations. After the class in the lobby we went up to the men again and tried to be casual and be all "heyyy whooo so are you gahys coming to that partaaay" and the guest speaker took me aside, held me by the side of the arm and said "we have wives" in a really assholey condescending way. Which was embarrassing for a second but in retrospect, eww...didn't want to sleep with you...just wanted you to come to my party to validate my existence. puh.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Super Old Dude, L.A. via Japan

Submitted by Joan: "this is my ex. he was nice but super old (25) so I questioned his motives all the time for dating an 18-year old, like, it's my own fault for super being into old dudes, but still?? also he was a DJ and my great weakness is boys who DJ!!!!""

Oh no! Not 25!!!! I bet his prostate was ginormous! Did he even have any teeth left? Did he have Alzheimer's? Did he wear adult diapers while he dj'd golden oldies? Did he mistake you for a hat?

Gimme a breaaaaaaaaak teens! I need a breaaaaaak! A breaaaak! When I was a teen I was dating pervy 30 year olds on welfare. Ha I'll show you old! Take that! I mean...boh :( gross memories last forever.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Crazy News! That Once Explained is No Longer Crazy!

I just moved to a neighbourhood where everyone is thinner than me. In Paris each area is numbered from 1-20 and I live in area 2 which means I have to be a size 2 (it's actually a law).

In my lobby there are some offices where skinny ladies type all day on macbooks looking surly and they had a sign up today for a modeling audition and it made me want to BARF ALL OVER THE UNIVERSE.

But when I got home today it was a MALE MODEL CASTING! Yay!!!! A momentarily pleasant surprise!!!!

The picture was taken from my window. What you see is: the window across from mine and one floor below, a blue tarpolin, a male model with a charming tribal tattoo (he seems like a real renegade...if they need models for a tilly hat or teeva campaign he's a shoo in!)

Anyways, I took this puh-thetic picture instead of real ones because

a) I'm scared of the women at the modeling agency
b) I felt it would generally be socially unacceptable and result in some really awkward situation for everyone especially me
c) Male models...shmeh...not cute. I gave some directions in the lobby and they were smirking the whole time...like "oooh look at me you probably think I'm hot" no I think you're Russian and look like you listen to Mumiy Troll. Lame. Next!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Nazi Ken with Ricecake, Berlin

I went to Berlin and I got this Ken doll. I think his ricecake prop is a pretty good clue as to why I didn't take any pictures there, aka I was feeling too fat to engage with humanity. But anyways, there is a more pressing issue at hand: the eagle tattoo on this young Aryan gentleman's chest (it is part of the design it wasn't added on after!)

I could probably go check this on Wikipedia, but I prefer to speculate: isn't the eagle a Nazi symbol? Can someone educate me about this? Am I bein' ignant? I hope not because it was my secret dream to find something nazi-related in Germany, not because I like nazis, but because...it's lol. Ok? You can't deny the loliness of a nazi Ken!!!!!!!!!!

*Update: I just checked on Wikipedia and there is a eagle-like symbol holding a swastika but it doesn't really look like this one. Buuuut I'm going to maintain that this is a nazi Ken and not just a "rock 'n roll" Ken.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Jeanco, New Zealand via South Africa

Submitted by Aimee: "he has a pathetic excuse for facial hair, that not quite right nose, pimples for miles and hardly an ounce of muscle.... an admirable quality"

White South Africans make me feel a little bit weird about being white especially since this guy looks like he could be the president of the afrikaans fraternity and golf club. But his girlfriend sent him in twice, and sending attachments twice is takes a lot of effort (not sarcasm...don't you hate sending attachments? So much mouse clicking and waiting...booooring...I usually quit half-way and have a nap on the floor because I'm too tired to walk to my bed)

Also, Aimee wrote a lot of things besides insults, aka about Jeanco being a good boyfriend, good in his heart, etc. But I got too tired to highlight the whole e-mail and ate a sandwich instead. I only have so much energy.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Outtakes, Le World (I'm French now)

You know how singers make greatest hits albums because they run out of new songs or because they get dead? Or how movies put outtakes at the end cause they run out of movie? This is like that...I don't feel like taking pictures because I have been feeling fat + hating Paris\all its inhabitants minus maybe one (me) lately...This is because I am middle-class thus always feel I should be the emperor of the world and cannot handle reality...and also because I have a case of the s'posdas.

So I here I have put lots of pictures where keeping it real went wrong from happier days and hopefully I will be feeling hopeful again soon\refall in love with the Parisian electro pompadour\move to another city soon\stop wasting my youth.

From top: famous person, teen wolf, cheese hunks, man on queen w, tough guy (thinks he's such a tough guy)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Jean-Marie, France

Submitted by Emily: "I met Jean-Marie this March on a French Exchange program with my school, we're good friends, but boy do I love to look at him."

Cyut. But I think I'm over French boys. Time to move to another country so i can live in eternal fantasy-land. That is until I'm barren and no one wants me anymore. Lalila

Monday, June 1, 2009

Jose + Rigo, Colombia

I've been reading my diary from one year ago lately. It is not giving me the inspirational life advice I was looking for. But at leat I had the brilliant idea to give titles to all my journal entries...a selection:

-I Am So Sick of Being Alone

-I Want Someone to Irrationally Love Me

-But What if I Really Am Special?

-Genital Warts Again

This picture sums up pretty well how I got from the first entry to the last one...Heyoo!