Friday, January 30, 2009

Crusty Hunk, Paris

I am not anti-crust. In fact, if it was acceptable to give honest answers in interviews I would probably list "lack of personal hygiene" as my weak point instead of the fact that i just "c-c-c-can't stop working so hard for my employers!!!!!!!". Even so, crustiness is not a particularily hot quality to me.

Except for when it's protest time. I remember one time I was at the G8 and I actually started to consider B.O. and stinky feet as hot qualities in men. Similarily, in normal times I would think someone wearing an anti-corporate sticker on his dreads was annoying and\or was going to juggle at me. But at protests they transform into babe kings.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Rory Calhoun the Man Who is Always Standing and Walking, Le Pop-In

-Hey guy, what's up?

-Oh you know, just relaxing, leaning on the ol' walkin' stick

-What walking stick?

-It broke after I beat someone with it in a really strong way using the power of my muscles such as the ones in my forearms which you may have noticed.

-Oh. Neat. Hey, you're yawning. Are you tired or something?

-No, I'm just bored with the totally normal way in which I am standing.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Phil, Toronto via Calgary

Phil is one of my top homo homies. We met right after he moved from craptastic Calgary. I remember how cute he was when he realized that people talk about being a gay in T.O. like it ain't no thang. He would call me and tell me things like "Dude! This guy just mentioned what he did on the weekend with his boyfriend and no one asked him if he meant to say girlfriend".

It was like seeing a butterfly being born, a really cyut butterfly with googally eyes, and realizing there was more to life than a cocoon, a dyed-blond cocoon wearing a cowboy hat.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Interview! Famous Author Paul E. Badeau!!!!!

Paul is the author of a novel called "Culture Shock" about a French exchange student making his way in the cuuuhhrazy world of Bakersfield,California. It has been such a commercial success that Amazon.com told me that there are only two copies left IN THE WORLD. That is how sold out it got. Anyways. Here is the interview where Paul reveals a scandalous behind-the-scenes secret!

CBMMN: Hello Paul!!!!
Paul: Hello!!!!!!!!!!!

CBMMN: How are you?!!?!?!?!?

Paul: Good!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CBMMN: Good. Ok enough of this idle chit-chat. First, what is the deal with your roots? Because you speak English like a Southerner but French like a Parisian. Are you an alien that has learned to immitoot all humans exarctly?

Paul: Yes. But also I am half French, half from Bakersfield. My alien identity is, that is.

CBMMN: Weird!!!!! Why would you choose those two places? Don't answer that. Instead, tell me what the original plot of your book was.

Paul: Originally it was about a student who is half French, half from Bakersfield and his zany escapades and romances.

CBMMN: Funny! Sounds like a must read.

Paul: Yes. But it didn't stay that way.

CBMMN: What happened?

Paul: Well the publishing house felt that the concept of a dual citizen was too complex for the average American reader. So the main character had to be changed into a full French person.

CBMMN: It is complex!!! What is a dual citizen!?!?!!? Is it like someone who is half man half woman? Because I would never read a book about that!!! I would go to hell after fo sho!!!

Paul: Yes well. Exactly.

CBMMN: But that's not so bad. Changing the character I mean, not the going to hell part.

Paul: Well. What happened was, when it came time to market the book they felt that it would be also hard to sell the me as a dual citizen. They want their authors to be well defined characters like the book characters. So, basically they told everyone I was French. Only French.

CBMMN: And that you wrote a book in English?

Paul: Well yeah see. That was the whole marketing ploy. It was like "Wow this genius came to America, learned English in one second and is now sharing his cultural observations!"

CBMMN: How fraudulent! But what about at readings? Like, wouldn't people realize that there was no way that someone could learn English and have no accent so quickly?

Paul: Well that's the thing...sorry this is embarassing...they made me speak with a fake French accent at the readings.

CBMMN: What?!?!? BAHAHAHAHAH.

Paul: Yeah. I know. It still makes me cringe all the time. But I mean I only did it for the first few. Then I got horrified and started to make fun of the publishing house at the readings and telling people how they tried to pretend I was French.

CBMMN: Way to stand up to the man retroactively! There is something I don't understand about this story though.

Paul: What's that?

CBMMN: Couldn't they have just written something catchy like "This ain't 'Grapes of Wrath' more like...'Grapes of Laughs!'" on the cover and avoided this whole scandal? I would have bought a book that had that as the blurb.

Paul: Yes. Yes I suppose that could have worked too.

CBMMN: ps on your picture I photoshopped you a tight black shirt and turned your water into wine to improve your French cred, and also because I am Jesus.

Paul: Thank you. I will probably sell more books now.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Nikita, Ottawa via Mother Russia

Remember how I said that other Russian hockey player was called Nikita? Well actually this is the one that is called Nikita. The other one I don't know his name. But later I will google "common Russian names" and the other one will be re-baptized. But maybe he will have a girl's name by accident.

My sister pretended to be a sports photographer to get close to the ice to take this picture of Russian Johnathan Brandis (R.I.P.) for everyone to enjoy. But unlike a real sports photographer she did not manage to make it a clear photo. Puh-thetic.

Monday, January 19, 2009

BUTCHELGANGERS!!! (Colin and Lucie)


Typical, the cute heterosexual male laughs it up obliviously (he probably just finished cheering "men! men! men!" with other men who then started to give eachother pats on the back and laughing like Crang). While half a Western World away his handsome butch counterpart sadly ponders her unshaking belief that somewhere, somehow, she was meant to be a boy.

One of these two should go gay for the other!!!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Guido and Santi, Buenos Aires

Submitted by Katarina "My friends and I met these two guys (Guido on the left, Santi on the right). Santi fell in love with my friend and Guido just hated me because I was insanely wasted and made him walk/stumble around the neighborhood looking for pizza at 4am. Santi can't speak English and my friend can't speak Spanish so I thought their love was doomed but to my delight (not) I got to translate for them the next night with Guido, who up until that point I hadn't realised hated me, but then he told me what I drunken mess I was..."

HAHA! The only thing that would have made this story better is if the one who looks like a total guido was the one called Guido.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

OMG GOOD CONTEST


Ummm...I keep having really awesome contests with even awesomer prizes and people don't enter them. Sure, many of you you feel competition will be too steep or else you arrive here accidentally while searching for teen porn. And so the amazing "gypsy makret garbage for sale prizepack" and the two tickets to the montreal planetarium are still waiting in their gilded cases!!!!!!!!

The prize of this new contest is that you get to be an officer of the CBMMN facebook group!!! You will have no power, like being able to send flyers for your electro party or performance art piece to everyone. Sorry. But you will have glory!!!!!! Oh the glory!!!!!

To enter you must think of a good officer name for yourself. Example "boys magnet if boys were also magnetic" or "organizer of boy-b-ques". But make them better than those. Best name(s) win!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Rob, Missouri

Submitted by Stefanie: "This is Rob. Sometimes I ask him what his mother did to make him so cute, and he says he doesn't know, but he did say that she likes Peeps, so maybe marshmallow Peeps while pregnant helps your uterus to make beautiful mans"

Woah! Hunk from Dawson's Creek much! Which character would he be on D.C.? I would say a roguish cristian interloper out to ruin the gang's reputation. With his sneaky underhanded cristianity and cool, leaning-back-in-chair attitude.

But more importantly: how hot is that betch in the background? Wild two-toned hair, daring plunging back-slit, bootcut (flared?) jeans. Missouri here I come! I've found my beeland!!!!!!!!!!!*

*since no one will know what I'm talking about. I am referring to the blind melon video where the girl in the bee suit finds the bee-land at the end where everyone is dancing in bee costumes.

Woah 90s cultural reference overload!!!! Of awesomeness!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Feodor, Ottawa via Russia

This guy was running down the hallways of a sports arena in that ludicrous hat yelling "Roo-See-A! Roo-See-A". I thought he was some lame Ottawa dude pretending to be Russian as a stunt for his engineering buddies. In his presence my standard feelings of crushing inadequacy gave way to a rush of sweet satisfying superiority over all normies who go to sports games and choose regular jobs (like engineering).

I asked him if he was a fake Russian and he started talking in some gibberish language which had enough weird drowning Ls to be Russian. So that made him more authentic and a bit less of a lame Ottawa dude. I can only assume he was telling me about the inevitable fall of capitalism and the return to power of his glorious motherland. Because Russians talk about those things ALL THE TIME (I bet).

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Nikita, Ottawa via Mother Russia

OMG world junior hockey championships!!!! So awesome!!! Am I right?

No? Liking sports is gay?

Ok, I see where you are coming from Voice Inside Head That Makes Me Drink, but look at his at his shirt, it's in Cyrillic! That's weeeeird...he's practically wearing an animal mask and being ambiguously gay and playing a funny instrument that he bought on the internet.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Happy Three Kings Day!!!

French people doing what they do best: offending everyone and having a gay old time doing it!!!!!!! Wheee!!!!!

Happy Three Kings day. For a France tradition: bake a cake and put a pea in it or else a little plastic toy that will lodge perfectly in an oesophagus. Who ever gets the slice with the pea\toy is the winner of the cake game and is the king for the day!!!!!!!

Also you are guaranteed to WIN if you eat the whole cake yourself! Sure you will be fat but you will be a fat king!!!

p.s. you are a big FAIL if you choke to death.

HORRIBLE MEMORIES: 2008

(above: Me being awkward at a party if I were a teen boy...and what a boy!)

I know all the other top blogs did their lists a few days ago but I was too busy reading them and then sloooowly getting the idea to do one: Horrible Memories 2008!!!!!!!!! Why does it feel sort of awesome to remember what an idiot you were? Maybe it's because you think that that if you admit it, you will never do anything like it again...how foolish of you (me).

-Spraining my ankle at a concert while trying to relive my teen years and dancing with the youth. Accusing someone of maliciously pushing me and verbally abusing her though I new secretly that I had fallen on my own and was only trying to pawn off my shame.

-Telling an attractive worker at a vintage store that I was "up all night" and because a lack of nuance in my choice of French words, accidentally implying that I was up all night DOING it. He subseequently making a disgusted face. (I was actually trying to say that I had had insomnia because I had seen a movie about terrorists and it was scawy!)

-Going home with someone really embarassing, drunkenly waving goodbye to everyone I know and calling attention to myself, living in shame forever. (Not to be confused with similar 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 memories)

-Writing ex-boyfriend a "birthday" e-card saying I was lonely and that, while I was happy that he had found himself a new girlfriend, feared I would be alone forever. Possibly including a winky smiley in said e-card ;)

-Dating two boys at once. Not being called by two boys at once.

-Going on a date with someone too good looking for me so then telling several non-stories, the conclusion of which were that people thought I was hot (to TRICK him)...then getting called out on it: "wow you keep mentioning how attractive you are".

-All other memories carrying over from as early as the mid 80s that continue do haunt me (I'm looking at you, camouflage phase)

-Doing too many alcohols and drugs. Getting locked out of the house. Attempting to sleep outside because too lazy to get keys from a friend's house. Crying. Getting the idea to sneak the neighbours ladder to climb into my window. Breaking his fence. Getting caught. Getting sued. Fleeing the country!!!! Wahahahah!!! Wait that's a WINNER memory!!!!!!!!!!

WINNER IN '09!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Jamie, Montreal

Photography people always have the best facebook pictures for stealing!

Did you know Jamie unwittingly gave me the name for hit blog CBMMN? He takes pictures of cute girls and boys but mostly girls. I asked him why he didn't take more pictures of boys and he said : "I don't know maybe cute boys make me nervous".

Maybe he won't like that I told this story because it makes him sound a little "fruity" if you know what I mean (I mean gay) but he is an art person and the more ambiguously gay you are the more credible you are as an artist. So he will be happy I bet. Positively gay even!

Friday, January 2, 2009

Richard, Paris

Richard played the star at the nativity scene recreation party and now refuses to go anywhere without his star costume. News flash: we know you're a human. Clue number one: you have hands. Clue number two: stars are made of gaseous matter and not paper. Clue number three: stars do not have moustaches. Duh.

Here he is performing his juggling two oranges trick (other orange not shown). Not impressive...everyone can juggle two balls...especially me! Zing! (Get it? balls=male testicles...juggling= I don't know...something digusting and sinful).

Also, I told this boy about the magic that is Etsy.com and now he is addicted to making Etsy shoppes and then posting like one item on each of them. But the items are pretty cyut. See his many shops here, here and here. Good value!!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Zuhaitz, New Year's 2006

Basque people have the craziest names! Basque is like the devil's language. All those Xs and Ys and Zs (Satan's favourites!).

What did you do on New Year's? Me I watched top movies while flying through time zones and missing it completely! Though the surly gay flight attendant announced it over the intercom. An announcement that was met with a real FAIL of an attempt at clapping. No cheering allowed of course because then you are a terrorist.

But the movies were better than any of your big, naked in the bathroom picture parties. Movies like "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants...2!"

*SPOILER ALERT!*

The girls spend the summer apart and their friendship weakens. They start to think that maybe the pants have lost their magic power. Until the pants get lost...bringing the girls together at last! Maybe the pants had one miracle left after all: teaching the girls the meaning of true friendship.

Jealous????!?!?!?